Planning a trip!

The past week or so, I've been trying to plan ahead for a trip we're taking in May. My sister Katie is graduating from WSU (hooray for graduating, even if it is from WSU) on May 9th and we're all going over to Pullman for the ceremony. It's funny. I don't typically think of our family being that big, but it has definitely grown in the last 4 years! Instead of it being just my mom and us three kids, we now have added Steve, Paul, Juliet and Jilly. Also, my Auntie Karen comes down from Edmonton, Alberta for these graduation-y events. So total, there will be 9 of us! That's a lot, especially considering Katie will be moving home (at least for a few months) right after the ceremony. So there will be 8 of us traveling for the weekend, then Katieand all her gear coming home on Saturday. Quite the caravan load coming across the state.

I've been stressing a bit about such a long road trip for our family (it's typically a 5-6 hour drive, but add in graduation/weekend traffic plus our issues and it could easily be more). Normally, I enjoy road trips and wouldn't mind this at all. BUT it seems each one of the three of us (Halls) have some issue that will contribute to making it a little more difficult. Steve hates being in the car, pretty much any time, but especially for long periods of time. Poor guy gets a bit claustorphobic and thus likes to stop every hour to get out and walk around. Me, I will be 7 months pregnant at the time and my bladder will be at less than normal capacity. Plus, sitting for that long can get quite uncomfortable with all the added weight and pressure. And Jilly? Well, she'll be 2 1/2. I think that's all I need to explain for that one. ;-)

But there are a few bright points that will make the trip easier. We're going to try and leave around Noon on Friday, so we don't get to Pullman too late. Steve normally gets off work at 2:30pm, so I'm hoping that he can get off just a couple hours early without having to take any vacation time. Next, we have great Air Conditioning in our car. Jilly gets really upset in the car if she is too hot, so the A/C will help keep her comfortable. Really, I am so grateful that we have a very good, reliable car, that I don't have to worry about taking over the mountains and completely across the state. We get great gas mileage too. Another thing, we'll be traveling during nap time. I think our loyal friend, Mr. Benadryl, will make an appearance and help coax the Beanie Beast into peaceful slumber at least half the way (hey- I can dream, right?). I was talking to some friends about the trip and Heidi asked if we had a portable DVD player. I said, "No, but I wanted to ask around and borrow one if I could." Well, she has one and offered to let us borrow it for the trip. Hooray! I think that will make things easier on Jilly too. Granted, she is only 2 and sometimes a movie can't hold her interest for the entire length. But stuck in a car with no other options, I think it will help a lot. We'll surely be filling our cooler with lots of snacks and drinks for all of us.

And the best part is on Saturday, we'll probably be caravan-ing it back. There will be three cars and 9 people total, eight of them being adult drivers. That means there will be lots of people willing to come and sit with Jilly for a spell, or better yet, take her in their car and let her parents be alone. ;-) It also means that we can stop occasionally and switch around, so no one has to drive the entire time. I think it will be quite manageable with all the (abundantly willing) help. It's lucky Jilly is as cute and adorable as she is. Everyone always wants to be with her, which makes things so easy on us as her parents. Since Katie's ceremony is at 8 or 9 that morning, we'll probably be leaving Pullman around 12 which will give us plenty of time to get home at a leisurely pace.

I have to say I am really looking forward to this trip. It'll be fun to get out of town and see the place where Katie's been going to school for 2 1/2 years. I've never been to Pullman, so that should be interesting. And the part I am really looking foward to is that it will be May in Eastern Washington, which means it should be sunny and warm! Wahoo!! Ultimately of course, this is a great thing for Katie and something that deserves a lot of celebration! Hooray!!! She actually beat me to a Bachelor's degree. Congrats to her for sure.

I think I've thought this out fairly well and will continue to do so. But if anyone has any awesome suggestions for me, I'd love to hear them!! :-)

Movie Survey

Apparently, if you've seen more than 85 of these movies, then you have no life. I guess I really have no life...

(X) Rocky Horror Picture Show
(X) Grease
(X) Pirates of the Caribbean
(X) Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest
( ) Boondock Saints
(X) Fight Club
(X) Starsky and Hutch
(X) Neverending Story
( ) Blazing Saddles
( ) Airplane
Total: 7

(X) The Princess Bride
( ) AnchorMan
(X)Napoleon Dynamite
( )Labyrinth
( ) Saw
( ) Saw II
( ) White Noise
( ) White Oleander
( )Anger Management
(X)50 First Dates
(X) The Princess Diaries
(X) The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement
Total so far: 12

(X) Scream
(X) Scream 2
( ) Scream 3
(X) Scary Movie
( ) Scary Movie 2
( ) Scary Movie 3
( ) Scary Movie 4
(X) American Pie
(X) American Pie 2
(X) American Wedding
( ) American Pie Band Camp
Total so far: 18

(X) Harry Potter 1
(X) Harry Potter 2
(X) Harry Potter 3
(X) Harry Potter 4
(X) Harry Potter 5
( ) Resident Evil 1
( ) Resident Evil 2
(X) The Wedding Singer
( ) Little Black Book
(X) The Village
(X) Lilo & Stitch
Total so far: 26

(X) Finding Nemo
( ) Finding Neverland
(X) Signs
(X) The Grinch
( ) Texas Chainsaw Massacre
( ) Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning
( ) White Chicks
( ) Butterfly Effect
(X) 13 Going on 30
(X) I, Robot
( ) Robots
Total so far: 31

( ) Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
( ) Universal Soldier
( ) Lemony Snicket: A Series Of Unfortunate Events
(X) Along Came Polly
(X) Deep Impact
( ) KingPin
(X) Never Been Kissed
(X) Meet The Parents
( ) Meet the Fockers
( ) Eight Crazy Nights
(X) Joe Dirt
( ) KING KONG
Total so far: 36

( ) A Cinderella Story
(X) The Terminal
(X) The Lizzie McGuire Movie
( ) Passport to Paris
(X) Dumb & Dumber
( ) Dumber & Dumberer
( ) Final Destination
(X) Final Destination 2
( ) Final Destination 3
( ) Halloween
(X) The Ring
( ) The Ring 2
( ) Surviving X-MAS
(X) Flubber
Total so far: 42

( ) Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle
(X) Practical Magic
(X) Chicago
( ) Ghost Ship
( ) From Hell
( ) Hellboy
( ) Secret Window
( ) I Am Sam
( ) The Whole Nine Yards
( ) The Whole Ten Yards
Total so far: 44

(X) The Day After Tomorrow
( ) Child's Play
( ) Seed of Chucky
( ) Bride of Chucky
(X) Ten Things I Hate About You
( ) Just Married
( ) Gothika
( ) Nightmare on Elm Street
(X) Sixteen Candles
( ) Remember the Titans
( ) Coach Carter
(X) The Grudge
( ) The Grudge 2
(X) The Mask
( ) Son Of The Mask
Total so far: 49

( ) Bad Boys
( ) Bad Boys 2
( ) Joy Ride
( ) Lucky Number Seven
(X) Ocean's Eleven
(X) Ocean's Twelve
(X) Bourne Identity
(X) Bourne Supremecy
( ) Lone Star
(X) Bedazzled
( ) Predator I
( ) Predator II
(X) The Fog
( ) Ice Age
( ) Ice Age 2: The Meltdown
( ) Curious George
Total so far: 55

(X) Independence Day
( ) Cujo
( ) A Bronx Tale
( ) Darkness Falls
( ) Christine
(X) ET
( ) Children of the Corn
( ) My Bosses Daughter
(X) Maid in Manhattan
( ) War of the Worlds
(X) Rush Hour
(X) Rush Hour 2
Total so far: 60

( ) Best Bet
(X) How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
(X) She's All That
( ) Calendar Girls
( ) Sideways
( ) Mars Attacks
( ) Event Horizon
(X) Ever After
(X) Wizard of Oz
(X) Forrest Gump
( ) Big Trouble in Little China
(X) The Terminator
(X) The Terminator 2
( ) The Terminator 3
Total so far: 67

(X) X-Men
(X) X-2
(X) X-3
(X) Spider-Man
(X) Spider-Man 2
( ) Sky High
( ) Jeepers Creepers
( ) Jeepers Creepers 2
(X) Catch Me If You Can
(X) The Little Mermaid
(X) Freaky Friday
( ) Reign of Fire
( ) The Skulls
( ) Cruel Intentions
( ) Cruel Intentions 2
(X) The Hot Chick
(X) Shrek
(X) Shrek 2
Total so far: 78

(X) Swimfan
(X) Miracle on 34th street
( ) Old School
(X) The Notebook
( ) K-Pax
( ) Krippendorf's Tribe
(X) A Walk to Remember
( ) Ice Castles
( ) Boogeyman
( ) The 40-year-old Virgin
Total so far: 82

(X ) Lord of the Rings Fellowship of the Ring
(X) Lord of the Rings The Two Towers
(X) Lord of the Rings Return Of the King
(X) Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark
(X) Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
(X) Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
Total so far: 88

( ) Baseketball
( ) Hostel
( ) Waiting for Guffman
( ) House of 1000 Corpses
( ) Devils Rejects
(X) Elf
( ) Highlander
( ) Mothman Prophecies
( ) American History X
( ) Three
Total so Far : 89

( ) The Jacket
( ) Kung Fu Hustle
( ) Shaolin Soccer
( ) Night Watch
(X) Monsters Inc.
(X) Titanic
(X) Monty Python and the Holy Grail
( ) Shaun Of the Dead
( ) Willard
Total so far: 92

( ) High Tension
( ) Club Dread
( ) Hulk
( ) Dawn Of the Dead
(X) Hook
(X) Chronicles Of Narnia The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe
( ) 28 days later
( ) Orgazmo
( ) Phantasm
( ) Waterworld
Total so far: 94

( ) Kill Bill vol 1
( ) Kill Bill vol 2
( ) Mortal Kombat
( ) Wolf Creek
(X) Kingdom of Heaven
( ) The Hills Have Eyes
( ) I Spit on Your Grave aka the Day of the Woman
( ) The Last House on the Left
( ) Re-Animator
(X) Army of Darkness
Total so far: 96

(X) Star Wars Ep. I The Phantom Menace
(X) Star Wars Ep. II Attack of the Clones
(X) Star Wars Ep. III Revenge of the Sith
(X) Star Wars Ep. IV A New Hope
(X) Star Wars Ep. V The Empire Strikes Back
(X)Star Wars Ep. VI Return of the Jedi
( ) Ewoks Caravan Of Courage
( ) Ewoks The Battle For Endor
Total so far: 102

(X) The Matrix
(X) The Matrix Reloaded
(X) The Matrix Revolutions
( ) Animatrix
(X) Evil Dead
(X) Evil Dead 2
( ) Team America: World Police
( ) Red Dragon
(X) Silence of the Lambs
( ) Hannibal
Total so far: 108

Not to mention there are at least 10-15 more that I have seen lots of parts of, but never all the way through. I've seen a lot of movies. But I bet my sister has seen (i.e. owns) more. ;-)

Appetite for Destruction: Life with a 2 year old

Why is it that 2 year olds feel this insatiable appetite for destruction? You can guess Jilly is feeling better because she's been ripping things apart and throwing them on the floor again. Crazy kid. In the living room, we have a bookshelf which is completely hers. On the top shelf, it has all of her books. The other three shelves have her toys in various baskets and containers. Next to the bookshelf, we keep our extra carseat, mostly to block her from getting behind the couch. Well, she now loves to climb into the carseat and stand there while using those chubby little arms of hers to sweep her books onto the floor. Usually this is after she has pulled one or more of the toy baskets of the shelf and dumped them ceremoniously onto the floor. So we have piles of tiny little toys on the floor, covered by layers of books. That was the first thing she pulled today.

Next, she took these "disco ball" necklaces she got in her stocking and decided they were best used as wrecking balls. She stood in front of the kitchen counter (the backside where there is a wall) and just swung the balls, slamming them alternately into the wall. It's a good thing they're just cheap, hollow plastic, otherwise they might have done some damage!

After she got bored with that and dropped them right there, she moved in to her room, where I was on the computer. She started going through the desk drawers, despite my repeated warnings, "Jilly, get out of there! Close that drawer!" and me closing it myself several times. She eventually pulled out a pencil and wandered away with it before I noticed it was in her hand. Sure enough a couple moments later, I hear the tell-tale scratching noises of the pencil coloring on the wall. Good grief, kid!!

By that time, I needed something else to distract her. So I decided it was time for a bath. Now, Jilly LOVES baths. She would live in the bath full time if we would let her. She splashes and plays and doesn't mind if the water gets cold. Plus she stays fairly contained. It's easy to have her in there for an hour or two, allowing her parents to get things done around the house or on the computer or whatever. Before I worry anyone, I don't just plop her in there and run away. We keep a close eye and ear on her for sure. I make sure I either hear her make a noise or go and check on her every couple minutes, so she's not unsupervised. Anyway, she was having a blast as usual while I was on the computer. Then something sounded fishy. I listened a little closer and sure enough, there it was. The sound of water being poured, with gusto I might add, onto the bathroom floor. ARGH! It took 4 towels and the bathmat to soak it all up. It was covering half the bathroom floor. For heaven sakes child!!! I have a rule that if a towel goes on the bathroom floor, it gets washed, not just hung up to dry. So this meant another load of laundry (I was already washing her bedding, which she's leaked on overnight). At least they're just towels and it was rather simple to clean up.

Now, I know this is all normal behavior of 2 year olds. But it drives me nuts! She'll take a previously clean and tidy room and turn it shambles in minutes! Then go off to another room (to do the same) because this room is now cluttered and boring to her. Anyone have a trick to get her to sit down and actually play with her toys, rather than just throw them around? I'm contemplating just putting them all away, since she only throws them on the floor anyway. But that seems a little mean, and then she'll have more "incentive" to destroy something we actually use, like the dishes or computer or something. Steve is going nuts with this as well. I can't wait until she outgrows this phase... Please tell me it won't be too long! :-)

Sick Jilly, but Mama doesn't mind

The past week has had some days that I don't look forward to as a mother, but I actually kind of enjoy when they come. Jillian has a cold and has been running a fever off and on. You can tell she has a fever, because she gets quite lethargic and subdued and just kinda lays around. At first I thought she was teething (getting those super fun 2nd year molars), because she had a clear runny nose, was chewing on her hands and just a little fever. Then she started having diarrhea, but I was attributing that to too much apple juice. Now I'm convinced she has a cold. The snot has got cloudy and her fever is much more obvious, and the diarrhea isn't going anywhere. Poor kiddo. I always feel bad she doesn't feel well, but honestly, it's not hard to handle.

She has got to be one of the world's easiest kids to deal with when she's sick. She mostly just sleeps and lays around. She is very undemanding, and she loves to cuddle. This is quite a difference for us, because normally she doesn't like being cuddled. When she's sick, it's pretty much all she wants to do. Last night she kept following me into the kitchen (where I was trying to cook dinner and do the dishes) and kept demanding to pbe picked up and held. It melts my heart that she comes to me to make her feel better, to offer some degree of comfort. At the same time, it was hard because I had to keep sending her back to her daddy, because I was busy. I was able to spend quite a bit of time with her though, just chilling on the couch. And I really enjoyed it. I love cuddling my little girl and having her just lay with me and relax, especially when I know she feels like crud.

Today she's spending the day with her daddy and will get some good cuddle time in with him. I'm hoping she gets better fast. But if not, we'll keep giving her Children's Motrin, getting her to drink as many fluids as possible and cuddling the heck out of her. You gotta use these opportunities while you still can, right?

ER- Goodbye Abby

As a follow-up to my previous "TV Junkie" blog, I wrote a blog as I watched this week's episode of ER- Abby Lockhart's final show. I'd forgotten that it was her last one until about 10 minutes before it started. I totally got bummed out, because she is my favorite! So as I watched the episode, I jotted down notes that I knew I'd want to blog about later. Forgive the random-ness. It's very stream-of-thought writing. Shall we begin:

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I'm afraid I'm gonna sob through this entire episode.

It's so sad to watch her admit it to Neela that she's leaving. I don't blame Neela for being upset she didn't know earlier! They're like best friends and have leaned on each other since med school, through all their tough and crazy times.

"Am I being Punk'd?" HAHAHA! Favorite line of the night.

I think Angela Bassett will be an interesting addition to the show. I watched her as the boss on Alias, and at first the characters seem similar. But there's been some hinting about more to her character. I hope so.

I can't believe Abby is leaving! She's been my favorite character for such a long time. Even though she maddens me at times, I still love her. She's so very human. She definitely seems like a real person, not just a fictional character on a TV show.

I don't quite get this whole depressing Bible reading. I don't know if it actually is verse or so from the Bible or just something made to sound like it. The episode is titled "The Book of Abby." But it's rather depressing. Appropriate for her character, but depressing.

I actually like Archie Morris now. He was such a worthless tool when he first came on. But he's rather matured. I trust and like him now. I feel awful for him that Greg died. You can see how hard it's been on him.

Ahhh, classic Abby, awkward and emotionally distant. Cracks me up as she tells Lucian she's leaving.

I've always wondered if this show is actually shot in Chicago. I assume at least part of it is, but I wonder if all of it is. Clearly, I've never cared enough to look it up...

Wow, she's been on 10 years? And what a 10 years it has been! Way to go Abby! Stand up for your bad self!

Here's my consolation. Even if Abby is gone from ER, I'll still have her with me. Both in re-runs and in BECU commercials. I'm pretty sure Maura Tierney narrates them. I haven't confirmed it, but if it's not her, it's her voice-twin.

*sigh* It's still so sad....

I do wish she had dolled up a little more. She looks really pretty with blong highlights and a little makeup. But she only kept that style for a couple seasons.

Preach it Abby! Way to back your girl! Love her chewing out the board. Hahaha. For some reason, I never felt like Abby and Sam had much of a relationship. They seemed to co-exist but not really interact that much.

What a cool wall! I want a picture of it, with all the old locker name plates! I wonder who's been there the longest now. There are some nurses who've been there the whole time, but I can't think of a series regular. Maybe Archie? Weird...

Awwww... Sweet. Abby and Frank dancing.

Archie- I'm right there with you buddy, in your disbelief and sadness.

At least she leave on a smile and a kiss from her big, hunky Croat.

*wailing* Bwaaaa-aaaaaa-aaaaa!!! Why did she have to go?!?!

I love this show.
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So there you go. My notes from Abby's final episode. Somethings I remembered later are that on that wall with all the old names, I saw a couple names that I didn't remember as characters, but I did recognize the name. It bugged me until I rememebered that Lydia Woodward was a producer or something on the show, so I would bet that's who the "L. Woodward" is. In fact, the other names (which someone wrote out on another site) are all former producers and a makeup artist. What a nice way to pay homage to them. I wish I could find that picture though...

TV Junkie

It's true. I'm obsessed with TV. I watch it all the time. I have my own little schedule of what I was each day, I have a show for every hour. And I am grateful everyday that we have cable. I would go crazy without it, I think. It was especially useful when Jilly was a newborn and I was up half the night nursing her.

My favorite shows to watch are: ER, Crossing Jordan, Gilmore Girls, CSI: Miami, Without A Trace, A Baby Story, House, Las Vegas, almost anything on E!, Project Runway, Tabatha's Salon Takeover, Nanny 911, Reba, Still Standing, Jeopardy, Friends, Scrubs, and The Simpsons. I can almost always find one of these shows on to watch. It's rather pathetic that I get so invested in them, but hey, I learn something from most of them, or just get pure amusement out of the others.

I love Jon & Kate Plus 8, A Baby Story, and Nanny 911 because I learn about being a mother from them. They cover all sorts of different situations and I like seeing how other people handle things.

Crossing Jordan, Without A Trace and Las Vegas are just fun with a healthy portion of crime/mystery solving. Fascinating characters too. House is the same but with medical mysteries. Plus, it's funny. :-)

Friends, Reba, Scrubs, Still Standing and The Simpsons are just those fun, evening sitcoms that are always running in syndication and I've seen pretty much all the episodes of the first four, and a lot of the last one.

CSI: Miami has got to be one of the best TV shows of our lives. First off, let me explain something very important to you. Contrary to popular belief, marketing campaigns, and network classification, CSI: Miami is NOT a drama. It is a one-hour comedy. In fact, the C does not stand for Crime, it stands for Comedy. This show is affectionately referred to as Comedy Scene Investigation in our house, or the shorter, Comedy Scene. Once you change your perspective to a comedic one, the show becomes amazing! How can you not love Horatio Caine and his sunglasses?! The beginning of the show is always our favorite, when you hear some quippy, possibly ironic or punnish phrase and then it cuts to the scream at the beginning of the theme song. Hilarious!! Calleigh is a sassy and fairly level-headed ballistics expert who is serious about her job, but still a fun girl. Eric Delko is the half Russian, half-Cuban ladies man (though most of the time the Russian thing is forgotten) who always is wearing a flowerly shirt and light pants. He rarely wears a suit. Ryan Wolfe (who we used to call Fake Greg, but now love WAY more) is the former patrol cop turned CSI turned TV reporter turned back CSI. He got shot in the eye with a nail gun, and still manages to look fly in his green shirt and tie with grey suits. ;-) Anyway, the characters actually are friends and work hard at their jobs but are fairly happy people, which means they're funnier. I think they actually care about their boss more and are more of a family. H is a way more charismatic leader than Grissom, he fights for each of his people and for all the victims. He never forgets a criminal, and eventually catches them all. As he said to Clavo Cruz, "In Miami, We. Never. Close." Awesome!

Plus, it is a way prettier show to watch than either of the other two CSIs. They're all dark and gloomy, shot through that awful blue filter. Miami is shot through a yellow filter, resulting in what Entertainment Weekly called "glorious HD porn." (One of my most favorite-ist things ever from that magazine. ;-)) The people are prettier, the stories are glitzier and the locations are flashier. Ooh, and there are most explosions and shoot-outs. It can't get much better than that!

This brings me to ER, perhaps my MOST FAVORITE SHOW EVER!!! I started watching ER when I was in middle school, with my mom. She and I both have a strong interest in all things medical (make sense why she's a nurse practioner and I wanted to be a doctor), so that sucked us in initially. But we stayed for the characters. Doug & Carol! Mark Greene! John Carter! Benton! Elizabeth Corday! Romano! Sam! Luka! ABBY! to name a few. I have favorite episodes of all of these characters. I feel like I know them, like they're family. Now that I watch all the episodes in syndication on TNT as an adult, I get to know them more each time. Hands down, Abby Lockhart is my favorite character EVER on the show. John Carter is next, with Luka right behind, then Mark and Elizabeth. The love stories are the best. All the medical stuff keeps me interested, but I really want to see how they all grow and change. Who gets married, has babies, who dies, who quits, who gets fired, etc. Right now on TNT, we are in the seaons where Carter is in the Congo and knocks up his girlfriend. In a few episodes, we will get to one of the saddest hours of television of all time. I sob every time I see it. So sad. I definitely have my favorite episodes of each season, or multiple episodes. In fact, I started watching the new episodes again on Thursday nights. Poor Steve totally get ditched on Thursday nights. He has to go to bed by himself and I spent a quality hour with John Stamos. ;-)

Add to all this that we watch a healthy amount of ESPN, FSN, and The Soup. We watch a lot of TV. We'll probably change that at some point. For now, I am pretty happy being such a TV junkie. :-D

A Change of Mind

I've been thinking about possbily going with a midwife and a birth center for my next baby. I had Jilly with a traditional OB/GYN and a medicated hospital birth. I was quite satisfied with my experience and didn't see why I would want to do it any other way. I have a friend who has very different philosophies on birth, and I heard a lot from her on them. For awhile I didn't think her ideas would work for me, and I would just stick with what I knew and liked. But then she took me to see The Business of Being Born, a documentary, at the Seattle Film Festival. I still held back for a little bit, but ultimately decided to investigate it.

There are a few things that appealed to me with an unmedicated birth. There seems to be less pressure. Obviously, not necessarily less physical pressure, a baby still has to come out. ;-) But less emotional/mental pressure. Pressure to progress in a certain time frame. Pressure to conform to someone else's agenda or standards, as opposed to following your body's cues. Pressure to allow things to be done, interventions like IVs and medication and such. Having a more relaxed birth sounded really nice! I was also relieved to find out that outside of a hospital, you're not restricting from eating or drinking. Certain movements, which are impossible when confined to bed with an epidural, seemed very instinctual and natural. Really, the whole idea of being more present and participatory in the birth of my baby was very appealing.

When I was pregnant with Jilly, I viewed the labor & delivery as something that would happen to me, rather than something I would be doing. That perspective made me place all my faith in my doctor and nursing staff. That also meant that all the decisions were up to them, and they would be doing all the work. I would just lay there and eventually a baby would come out. I obviously didn't have any problems with that philosophy, but I think it was coming from a place of fear, since I had never experienced birth before. Because I've been through it before now, I know better what to expect, not just the process of birth (and how messy it is) but the pain and rhythm of it as well.

I would say that the most frustrating part of Jilly's labor was pushing. All the issues that I had converged in this one period of time. I had an epidural that worked so well, I couldn't feel anything below my waist. I could feel some pressure, right when she was crowning, but other that-nothing. I didn't know she had come out until my sister started crying. I had NO control over any muscles in my legs. I couldn't lift them at all. It made it really difficult to figure out how to push. I had no way to tell if I was doing it right or not, or how to adjust it, since I couldn't feel. I couldn't tell when I was having a contraction either! The IV was really frustrating for me, because it hurt in my hand. Everytime I had to move my hand, it hurt worse. Then the nurses wanted me to grab my leg, to push and I couldn't because the clenching hurt the worst. By the time I started pushing it was almost 2pm. I had been awake since about 2am, having only gotten 2-3 hours of sleep. I was so tired. I hadn't eaten dinner since the night before, so I was starving. I was so exhausted mentally and physically, that I couldn't even vocalize how I was feeling. I just wanted to a sandwich and a nap, but instead everyone was around me, telling me what to do. But I got through it and my sweet little girl was born.

At the end of pushing, Jilly's heartrate decelerated because the umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck and was being compressed as she came through the birth canal. It was taking a little while to get her past the pubic bone, and when her heartrate didn't go back up, the doctor got worried. She brought in a vacuum and assisted the delivery. Because Jilly came out in such a hurry, there was no time for me to stretch. I ended up with some quite painful tearing that I didn't recover from for a long time. As I learned about natural childbirth, I realized that I didn't necessarily have to repeat that experience. By using better positions to push from (standing, squatting, etc) and not having medication masking me ability to feel and use my muscles, I could give birth more effectively and possibly with less damage. Which means recovery should be much easier. That sounds fantastic! Especially when considering that then I would have two (or more) kids, not just one newborn. ;-)

So overall, I realized that giving birth in a hospital with a traditional OB/GYN would make it very difficult to birth the way I want to. There would be pressure to get an IV, have my membranes artifically ruptured, to be given pitocin, and have to lay flat in bed for hours. The thought of having to either give in or continuously fight with hospital staff over it seemed like it would defeat the relaxed, peaceful birth I desire (an experience my friend had gone through and been traumatized because of.) But I was still very uncomfortable with a home birth. I was worried about not having immediate access to equipment and personnel, in the case of something bad happening. Also, I didn't really like the idea of being at home for the birth, strange as that sounds. I think I would feel very claustorphobic and then associate all that pain and discomfort with my home. Plus, birth is REALLY messy. I didn't want to even have to think about that mess being in my home, even if someone else took care of cleaning it! I needed a middle ground. I decided that a birth center, in close proximity to a hospital, with a mid-wife would be the route I wanted to take. I got online and started looking up places around this area and talking to friends who had given birth without intervention, trying to learn everything I could.

There are fears I have about this, however. I do worry about not being in the hospital, mere yards from an OR if the need for a C-Section arose. I worry about my ability to handle the pain and whether I will get too exahusted to go all the way through. I know it worries both Steve and my mom, the two people I count on to keep me sane and get me through things like this, and I don't want to cause them more stress. I worry that I will have to get in the car and go home before I feel ready. (I stayed in the hospital for 2 days after Jilly was born. Most people go home from the birth center 4-6 hours after birth.) I worry that I won't feel comfortable enough. I worry that I'll get caught in the fear-tension-pain cycle and it will be miserable. And I flat out worry that something will go wrong and hurt the baby or me, and/or that I will end up with more pain and an overall negative experience.

But as I explore this more and more, the more confident I feel. I am going to meet with a couple of midwives and ask them tons of questions. I want to not only assuage my own fears, but Steve's as well, so that we are both comfortable with this. I still reserve the right to change my mind and cry for the epidural! ;-) But I think this is something I can do, and more, something I want to do.